Thursday, September 4, 2008


Day 2 at Gucci School, St. Olaf's College in Northfield, MN and we find ourselves in the midst of a truelly magical event, the "Join Our Club, We're the Best" event with free dinner and entertainment, was this evening in the courtyard. We emerge from the student center and feel the childhood excitement of a wondrous holiday or birthday where you throw your modest consumption of all things delicious out the window, even the fact that neither of us are particularly hungery is momentarily forgotten as we approach tables and tables of fresh fruit, piles of sliced cheeses in all shades of orange and whatever you can fit between two buns.
JACKPOT! It was all there, and it was all supposed to make you want to join a club. Robbie and I took what we could both manage to consume while awkwardly walking around and then decided it was a stockpile mission. The apples were local, organic and freshly picked.
JACKPOT! All together we stole 11 apples from this join the club thing, and boy do they look delicious. To do such a thing, we had to stroll through the aisles of clubs and look mildly interested as time passed so we could swoop back in for another attack. Along the way though, we found ourselves getting caught up in the sales pitches and free piles of Starbursts that each club had to offer. I found myself being pulled in so many directions. My hypothetical life would be so busy here in Northfield. The Accordian Club met twice a month with their wild musical orgies and occasional recitals...Sign Me Up! The Hip-Hop Club, which met often to learn new dance moves, freestyle with each other and watch break dancing videos on YouTube also sounded pret-ty awesome. One girl shouted to me "Would you like to take a prospective student out to lunch?" I said "Are they buying?" She frowned and I had to keep going, the crowd was just moving too fast! Until I got to my favorite of all the clubs, "Be A Middle School Chaperone Club". The bespectacled young man sitting at the table yelled to me saying "what are you doing this Saturday night?" I said "probably sitting in a hotel room, watching reality TV and drinking gin, you?" he said, "Im chaperoning a dance for a middle school near here...wait, didnt I buy a poster from you earlier?" Then the beloved poster conversation happened. He actually bought two good posters: Biggie and Wu-Tang. I remember have an approving conversation with him earlier. I moved away from the much loved topic and found out more about this wonderful club. Twice a month, college students voluntarily go to where 11 year olds want to grind on each other in the dark to an Usher song and they tell them No, you cant do that. 'Wow, I said that does sound kind of amazing', both he and his friend agreed, laughing about it. Ironically, Im not sure. But, they got my email and Im sure Ill know just how funny it is when they send me a newsletter soon. JACKPOT!
There was also a Magic the Gathering Club which is a game I've never personally played, but Nate has told me a little about, so I actually put his name on the list to join that club*. Next we came upon the college radio station and found that they were giving away free CD's. We dug through the bins with several other people and finally walked away with a couple exciting prospects and one CD by some friends of ours back in Olympia, we figured we give it back to them and maybe they could resell it or something. But, the most exciting find from this freebee was this: tru-york A group called TRU YORK.
We haven't listened to it yet, but we're excited by the titles of some of the songs, heres a small sample: "In Dem Jeans" and "Hip Hop 101 Gameshow Interlude" and a song simply titled "Hustlin' ". Before we walked away from this musical free for all, I inquired about the black bottle someone was holding and asked hopefully "Was that free too?" she verified, telling me the Nobel Peace Prize Forum was giving away these beautiful Striving for Peace water bottles made out of stainless steal, the same of which are going for a whopping $25 at your local New Seasons. Robbie and I made a bee-line for these peace lovin co-eds and found a crowded table. Finally we weasled our way through and before the girl at the table finished asking me if I wanted to get involved my paws were already fondling a shiny free canteen. JACKPOT! "THANKS!" I shouted, and turned to resume our mission but was quickly derailed. A clapping circle of enthusiastic young people were watching a small team of 'dancers' do windmills and other impressive feats of shoulder meets concrete break dancing and one handed body lifting. Dazzled but mostly confused we turned to go in for the final gastronomical slam dunk. We thought we'd lift our last apples and go but the steaming pile of burger pattys was as enticing as a world without Bob Marley posters. We quickly convinced each other that we needed to take some back to the hotel with us for dinner. 10 minutes later, we were sitting in the truck with our apples piled up on the dash, wiping mustard from our chins. JACKPOT!

So, thanks St. Olafs we'll join all your clubs, as long as you keep the free shit flowing. See you in the morning at the Student Center (lower level) where we'll be taking all of your money all day long.

*Nate - The MTG club meets every Friday night at 7 pm in the Auger Building room 302. Once a month you have to bring the chips and soda so I told them they could count on you for that on Fri. September 26th.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Vagina, Skrilla and Marijuana

Yesterday was a long day. After a night of drinking in a cemetery and dancing with strangers to M.I.A, Robbie and I woke up at 7:50, 10 minutes before our "computer training class" and 50 minutes after we were supposed to be at breakfast. We rushed around, still mildly intoxicated and gathered our possessions in a grumbly daze. By 8:25 we had somehow transported ourselves to the lobby of the cafeteria where we were handed a large wad of cash and keys to a truck and were told 'goodluck, and remember to take all the money'. Robbie waited drunkenly as I sauntered around campus looking for a herd of Penske trucks, poised for total slutty abandon and finally found our steed. We mounted and were off, stopping only at Wal-mart for 2 hours until we sobered up.
This is all leading up to what may have been the best moment of my day....First off though, let me tell you about a wonderful person named Whitney. She made us a 12 disc mix of love. 12 discs all labeled with such inspiring things as "Detox", "Mildly Uplifting" and "Robbie's PMS mix", but yesterday we picked the cd with a large fat cat drawn on it. What came next was an aural experience like none other. This mix was constructed strictly of songs that mention or repeat the word "PUSSY". It was pretty amazing, and one song in particular really inspired this blog. The song is "Pussy, Money, Weed" by Lil' Wayne. I HIGHLY suggest you rent this from your local record store or get that new thing called the internet and listen to this fucking song cause it will blow your fucking mind. We listened to that song more than a couple times each time being that much more mind blowing, but by the end of listening to a total of 34 songs about pussy, we both felt a bit pussied out. So, thats it. Get the song and get totally pussyfied. I did.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Not the biggest slut on tour!

After an amazing day of terribleness I have little energy and sadly a great deal of things to do for this fierce and ruthless company, Balls to the Wall. Firstly though, I must remenisce about the of the higher crests of todays stormy and crap filled waters. Myself and about 140 other 20 somethings were urged, no..prompted repeatedly, to chant "TAKE THE MONEY" as a kind of creepy capitalist pep rally. This catchy phrase is actually the sales motto of the company....classy, I know. I'm so glad I came!

The other wonderful diamond in the coals during todays dark moldy cavern of training was when the ever charming Kelly ( ) was explaining her passionate feelings about making the sale. She wailed I am a POSTER WHORE, I would do anything, I repeat - ANYTHING, to sell a poster." The silence in the room was deafening and awkward, as a couple dozen peoples imaginations no doubt, posed this corporately proactive, roundish and bemakeuped woman in a variety of racey yet business minded sex acts. I sure did, and it was basically my only smile of the day aside from when I devoured the last half of a burrito from Poncharoos out of pure animal hunger. Sadly, the cafeteria features a broad and bland variety of cardboard flavored everything.

What magic will this experience bring for us all tomorrow? check back and see....

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Commence Bullshit!

This evening marks the last night of awesomeness at the dude ranch ( Currently Nate, Adam and I have been sitting here for about 36 minutes and talked extensively about how to blow up a christmas ornament. I can only hope for such riveting adventures during my 7 weeks on Poster Tour. This blog was created in hopes that I may document my dramas and excitements in the penske truck, on college campus' and in the dark hallways of cheap hotels throughout our country's heartland. Tomorrow morning at 7 am, after a tearful goodbye (nate is a cryer..) I'll begin my journey towards being rich and being a slut for this company. Please check back to read this, as it may just be the only thing worth looking forward to the entire trip and I'd like to believe someone else is enjoying this. The above is not my truck, and lets hope this only happens to the losers.